Tonight: Project Runway, the Comedy. I had fun. It’s all about boobs. Who likes ‘em, who thinks women should be mastectomized so they fit better into his designs – and who is stupid enough to actually say what s/he’s thinking on video tape. Best line of the night: Tim’s “It would be different if… you weren’t firm.” Either that or his “I’m playing the role of a large and stinging mallet.” I just can’t decide.
Bryce feels bad he hasn’t won, he wants to prove people wrong. Poor Bryce. Joshua is exhausted mentally and emotionally (of course he is, creating chaos takes a lot of energy) but today he’s in a better place.
Anya notes there’s a “thickening of the air” with so many people gone, but it’s kind of fun, there’s a sense of camaraderie. Really? What show is she on? Laura thinks she, Anya and Kimberly are the right last three girls.
Heidi walks out on the runway carrying the Evil Velvet Bag! She brings out “your new clients,” all men. And not all young, fit men, either. Time for a freak-out! Anthony Ryan doesn’t know how to do menswear. Joshua has done menswear, so he’s not intimidated by that, but he is intimidated by the waistlines he sees on the men – because it means more fabric. Yeah, right. Laura thinks some of them are ok, some are going to be a challenge. Anya is so glad she has immunity, because she’s never done menswear. That’s ok, Anya, you’ve never done pants and you did them, you’ve never sewn silk and you did that, you never did this or that and you do it all perfectly, so shut up because no one believes you anymore. As the winner of the last challenge, Anya gets to pick her client first, and she interviews she picked the most slender man. Of course. She’s probably worried about fabric, too. [eta: I've seen a lot of ooutrage aimed at various designers for their focus on thin, but no one is bothered by this comment of Anya's. Well, I am.] Olivier interviews, “We’re left with all these fat people, and fat is fine but not when we’re making clothes.” Here’s where I start to giggle. Because sometimes it’s just so ridiculous, it’s beyond outrage.
They go back to the workroom where Tim gives them the good news: they will be making clothes for the wives and girlfriends. The men will provide information about what kind of look they want, or their wives would want, so we’ll all find out how well the men know their women. But, as Tim points out, no matter how well they know their women, they may not know their sizes, so that info will be provided. The women will serve as models. They have two days. Bert interviews it’s been his experience with some men that they don’t have a clue about fashion. I think that’s probably pretty accurate. Laura hopes her client’s wife is a golddigger. I guess that would mean she’ll be thin?
The designers consult with their clients. The hilarity starts. Viktor asks his client, “If she went shopping, what store would she go to?” (which is a pretty good question) and the guy doesn’t know. Anya asks her client, “What color does she not like?” and the guy says, “That’s a good question…um…well, yeah, that’s a good question… uh…” Anya interviews most men don’t know how to describe color, style and shape. Oh, come on, they may not know a cap sleeve from a peplum, but surely they can tell you if their wife wears bright colors or a lot of black, can’t they? Not this guy.
Joshua asks, what does she think about lace? He’s worried because his client says to keep it simple, and Josh doesn’t do simple. He interviews: “It’ll be good for me to do it, so simple box, here I am!” Bryce‘s client gives him all kinds of words to describe his wife’s style – cutesy, elegant, girly. What seems to stick is that she likes pink. And love. Bryce gets teary; the guy loves his wife, so Bryce is going to make it all about love, though that isn’t something he does a lot. Bryce loves his boyfriend. He wants to share about his boyfriend with his clients, but he doesn’t because he’ll cry. Poor Bryce.
Anthony Ryan is asking his client, “Candy apple red or a deeper red?” Now that’s probably going beyond the level of comfort. Turns out the guy wants to replace his wife’s favorite dress, which he lost. Lost her dress? How did he lose her dress? Something about a bag, I don’t know if that means luggage or a paper bag. No, I don’t care any more. I want to go back to the distinction between candy apple and deeper red. Laura‘s client tells her, “Picture you, a little darker, a little taller and a little bustier.” Sounds like a golddigger to me.
And now for the stars of our show, the Boobsie Twins. Bert‘s client, Anthony, can’t stop talking about his wife’s breasts. “Basically she’s a hot piece of tushy.” Yes, he says that about his wife, on national television. He wants to show off her cleavage. He fell in love with her boobs first, he saw them hanging out, she’s hot, sometimes he motorboats them. And he motorboats the mannequin, just to show us how. “It’s like the Cookie Monster, except it’s the Boobie Monster,” he says. “She knew what she was getting into when she married me.” Ok… but I bet she didn’t know you were gonna do this on TV. For that matter, did you stop to think your friends, your boss, your kids’ teachers, your mother – her mother – are all going to be seeing this? I’m thinking he’s auditioning for “The Real Husbands of the Real Housewives of Who Cares.”
And, saving the best for last, Olivier. He doesn’t like women having boobs. They should be flat so they can wear his designs. No, I am not making this up! Wait – didn’t he ask his model to pad her bra several episodes ago? In Mood, he and his client have the conversation about breasts we’ve been hearing in promos where he asks if they’re ginormous. The client-husband tells him they’re double-D. Hey, I thought these guys didn’t know sizes. I guess they know the sizes that are important to them. Shoes, who cares, but bras are a different matter. Olivier asks Tim if he knows about cup size. “I don’t have any personal experience with it,” says Tim in that bemused-but-dignified way only he can pull off. A lady at the Mood counter tells Olivier it’s a bigger cup size. I’m stunned that a fashion designer has no knowledge of bra sizes. He interviews, “Those boobs to me are trouble.” He’s losing English more and more as time goes on, isn’t he? Does he actually speak another language, or is it just a general deterioration brought on by a proximity to mammary glands?
The men go shopping with the designers and come back to the workroom with them. The women will be in later for a fitting. Kimberly explains how they use style lines on the mannequins, those narrow tape things, thank you, Kimberly! I’ve watched 9 seasons of PR and I’ve never really understood that, if it was something to do with patternmaking or measuring or what, turns out it’s just a way to see what the lines of the thing will look like.
The women arrive.
Olivier is not happy about working with a client. I think Olivier sees designing as locking himself in a room and putting finished garments under his pillow and the Fashion Fairy takes them and leaves him a lot of money and the date it will be walking the Red Carpet and on whom. I don’t know much about the fashion industry, but it’s my impression that one does have to work with actual, you know, people. His lady doesn’t like the material he chose. She complains her husband always wants her to wear yellow. Olivier interviews they’re both so nice, but he’s confused, they take so much energy, he wants them to be quiet. At one point she asks her husband, “Does he understand what I just said?” Lady, he was born in Ohio. Yeah, I know, I don’t believe it anymore, either. I don’t believe anyone on this show any more. Except Tim. I always believe Tim. If he ever lies, my universe will collapse. She wants a bell sleeve, and he tells her that’s old fashioned and he doesn’t recommend it, which is the right thing to say, actually. But he interviews he just wants people to wear what he designs and not make him compromise his POV. I know writers like this. It’s mean to laugh at someone in distress, but I can’t help it, it’s hilarious. Does Olivier actually work as a designer? How does that work, exactly?
Victor‘s guy is playing with a pizza cutter. Bert‘s guy is doing more boob madness. His wife nixes her husband’s original idea of a bandeau top and baby doll skirt, and picks Bert’s v-neck design. “She crushed my hopes and dreams,” says husband, who was maybe going to motorboat her right on the runway. I am having so much fun, I can’t stand it. It’s like last week was worth it to get to this.
Laura‘s lady likes the color, and insists she’s not high fashion. She had 16 siblings and never wanted to be a Barbie growing up, and now she can be a Barbie. Looks like the golddigger miracle happened. Laura interviews she dresses a lot of Barbie women since they’re the ones who have the money to pay for the clothes; and she wonders, “How did he snag her?” which no doubt pleased the couple and their family and friends when they all sat down together to watch the episode air. Personally, I wonder how she snagged anyone; she looks like she’s been rode hard and put away wet, metaphorically speaking. Anya describes a wrap dress in silk to her lady, and tells us again how challenging it is to sew with silk; funny, most other designers does it pretty much every week.
Victor is making a skirt that looks just like the skirt his lady is wearing, so he’s glad he’s on the right track. Anthony Ryan‘s lady starts to tell him about the dress that got lost at the airport and he leans towards her, glares at her husband, and says, “We’ve already talked about that.” I’m liking Anthony Ryan more and more. Don’t like his glasses, though. I can’t believe glasses have become a fashion statement. All that time I spent stumbling over things in junior high because I wouldn’t wear mine.
Kimberly‘s lady loves the top she’s made. Joshua has metal plated shapes (I don’t know what that is, but he’s got ‘em), but his lady doesn’t want them, they’re too showy. Remember the simple box, Joshua? He interviews, “When he said simple, I didn’t know he meant simple.”
Bryce is worrying about pink. He doesn’t like the pink fabric he got, so he’s going to dye it pink. Fuschia, after consulting with Anya who never dyed anything before (oh, I left that out of the list earlier) but now is offering consults. It turns out bright pink, and Bryce worries about the dress being too bright. Poor Bryce. Laura tells him it’s really bright, and Viktor interviews it’s “the color of anti-diarrhea medicine” and makes him want to go to the bathroom really really bad. I can just see that interview:
Viktor: It’s Pepto-Bismol pink…
Producer: No, you can’t use the product name.
Viktor: But that’s what color it is.
Producer: Call it “anti-diarrhea medicine.”
Viktor: Who says “anti-diarrhea medicine?”
Producer: You do, unless they pay us for product placement.
It’s the price of fame, Viktor.
The next day Tim does his walkthrough.
He thinks Viktor‘s look is adorable: “I could believe you came in off the street dressed like that,” he says to the woman wearing Viktor’s mostly-completed outfit. How is that a good thing in a design competition? He looks worried about Anya‘s look, especially the proportion with the sleeve; Anya says it was cut wrong so it needs to be cleaned up. See how she did that? It was cut wrong, not “I made a mistake.” And I wonder if she knew it needed to be cleaned up before Tim commented on it. But I have an attitude towards Anya. Can you tell? Bert shows him the simple, modern, unadorned look, and Tim asks the lady if she’s sold on the depth of cleavage; she is. We already know her husband is. I have to hand it to Bert, he dealt with his clients extremely well, especially considering the guy was motorboating his mannequin.
Tim is concerned about Olivier, the yellow and blue look crayony, and he suggests a different fabric for the top. He warns Olivier he often has time management issues and the guy says, “Yeah, you were going slow yesterday” and Olivier looks at him like he’s going to kill him. No, actually, he doesn’t, he just stares, but you know it’s in his heart.
Tim tells Laura she’s doing the Full Tilt Barbie, which she admits she is. Bryce is worried about his pink dress; Tim tells him the pink looks great on the woman. I think it looks like his horrible Nina dress, with that stupid center panel he’s so fond of. Bryce scraps it and starts an all-pink dress. Poor Bryce. Kimberly is nervous when he looks silently at her look. Tim is impressed with Josh for editing himself, and tells the couple his stuff is usually just shy of a float in a parade. Josh tells the woman she doesn’t need to wear a bra, and Tim agrees: “You don’t. It would be different if… you weren’t firm.” The husband interviews he’s happy Tim thinks his wife has nice breasts. She elbows him. He corrects himself: “Firm, sorry.” I’m surprised he doesn’t have a t-shirt: “Tim Gunn likes my wife’s breasts.” And we end the day with Olivier: “This f#*@ing dress.” Good thing Josh didn’t overhear him. My stomach hurts from laughing for the past 45 minutes.
On Runway Day, they scramble for a couple of hours. Olivier‘s lady now doesn’t like the crack up her ass, as her husband charmingly puts it. Olivier is stressed out having to deal with these stupid things, he wants a non-speaking person who will just do her job. He tries to explain to them, it’s a competition. They still have this foolish idea that they’re the clients. I have to hand it to Olivier, he gets mad very quietly.
Tim announces the ladies will all receive some jewelry from you-know-who. Maybe it’s the unsold stock from Gretchen’s collection. Tim is having the usual difficulty getting everyone to move to the runway: “We’re going to the runway, today I’m playing the role of a large and stinging mallet.” Maybe it’s a large and singing mallet. Or mallard. None of them make any sense to me. Is this a line from a movie or something? What the hell is a large and stinging mallet? Tim, this is your go-to image? Just what kind of bad decisions have you been making at 3am lately?
The Runway and Interrogation:
The men get to watch their wives model their new garments. Malin Akerman is the guest judge. I don’t think I’ve recognized a guest judge all season. Either I need to get out more, or they’re down to the D-list. I suspect the former.
Anya: Top three – A Japanese and African kimono, one-sleeved, black and white print, with semi-obi and rope belt. MK thinks it’s fabulous, memorable, and likes the culture clash. Heidi appreciates that it’s something she hasn’t seen ten times, it’s unusual, and she likes short and long and use of different fabrics. Nina is dubious about the sleeve, it overwhelms her, and her arms are cut, why hide them? The client says she wanted to hide them, leading to jokes about her having one good arm. Malin would wear it on red carpet, sleeve and all, it’s a bold statement, classy. I think the sleeve is too long and it looks like the washing machine ate half of it, but I admit I have no fashion sense. I still say in any other season she would’ve been laughed off by now. She’s really gotten a lot of mileage out of this whole “I’ve never sewn X before.” Still love her hair, though.
Viktor: Top three – a grey pleated skirt with a wide deep-yellow hem border, sheer blue blouse with short sleeves. He wanted to push the envelope since she’s an attorney. I think the skirt is way too tight, it’s pulling across her hips and the pleats are popping. Heidi loves it. Malin loves the lines and the accentuated waist. MK thinks it’s overaccessorized, but spot on. Nina calls it charming, but too accessorized. even though the custom bag is adorable. It’s not too girly, just right. The client says he listened really well; originally it had long sleeves, and she asked for short sleeves, and he executed it exactly. I think the cut of the sleeve is a little odd, it looks like they’re riding up. But what do I know. MK says a long sleeve wouldn’t have worked, so the lesson is, listen to your customer. Except when the judges tell you that you are the designer and you’re supposed to talk your customer into what you want, but they all have a memory of microseconds on this show. And forgive me, but isn’t this look kind of grade-school?
Josh: Top three – a really nice little black dress with a sheer overlay half-circle skirt and a very nice lace neckline (the bodice is square, the lace neckline is round, it’s cool) and the squared back cut down to the waist, very similar to the squared backs Team Chaos won with last week. He worries it’s too simple. He tells the judges it was hard fo him to keep it simple. Heidi is shocked he didn’t bedazzle her. There’s a thing where she seems to be pushing the client towards a runway proposal, but they’re not going there. Josh says, “There’s more to me than bedazzling.” Yeah, like metal plated shapes your client nixed. Malin says it’s a great dress, with nice lace. Heidi calls it elegant. MK tells the woman she’s a modern Grace Kelly, and he loves that Josh pushed her into wearing a turquoise shoe to give it a real personality, because you see you have to listen to your client and push them into things (see what I mean about the microsecond memory?). Nina loves the accentuated beautiful waist, it’s flirty. It is nice. But – it’s a little black dress! It’s nice that Josh didn’t put spangles and neon all over it, but – it’s a little black dress! Have we sunk this low?
Laura: Safe – teal one-shoulder flowy dress with asymmetrical hem. It’s about an inch too low across the boobs. She’s not pleased at being only safe.
Kimberly: Safe – grey print skirt, purple one shouldered blouse with ruffled neckline and a wide band at the waist. Kimberly is happy, she thinks the fit is immaculate. And, let’s be honest, she fit a truly epic bootie.
Olivier: Safe – I’m so disappointed, I wanted to listen to him babble about evil breasts on the runway. For all the drama, it’s nothing spectacular – a cream one shoulder top with that odd darting pleating seaming asymmetrical thing he likes, navy pants. In fact… it kind of looks like a one-shoulder version of Kimberly’s winning Nina look, without the gold. He’s very happy with it, she looks good, he loves the colors and the fit. Even with the boobs and the round ass.
Anthony Ryan: Bottom three – It’s the Miramar Patriots cheerleader uniform from my old high school! Red, white and black, instead of blue, but it is the same thing. V-neck sleeveless top that looks like a sweater vest in black with red at the neckline, a street length red skirt, and white belt. Anthony Ryan wishes there was more of him in it. I wish there was less Cheerios. He presents it as retro, vintage, fun. The husband explains about the lost dress. Malin says it’s like a cheerleader outfit or a cigarette girl. Wow, she must’ve been watching old movies for that reference. Heidi thinks she looks like an old lady going to lunch or to play bingo. I want to know what kind of old ladies these people are hanging around, because I’ve never seen an old lady wearing anything like that. The woman defends it by saying she loves vintage and retro. Heidi says it needs sex appeal. Nina complains about the white belt, it looks boxy. MK says it looks like a superhero ice skater. Weak, Michael. Malin won that round of put-downs easily. I feel sorry for the woman who was so happy to get a replica of her lost favorite dress. Maybe now she’s glad it was lost.
Bert: Bottom three – What do you make for a woman whose husband is obsessed with cleavage? A very low v-neck in a black and grey print with the top vertical and the skirt horizontal. Bert thinks she looks awesome, and the husband loves it. Bert says this is the design she picked when he offered several. He explains (a little) about the breasts. Heidi understands, ba-da-bing. His client loves the look. MK says it’s made beautifully, cut well, but it looks like a dress you could buy in a million stores. Very safe, fits beautifully, but this is PR. That makes me laugh. Malin says it’s a nice dress, but she’s seen it before. Is she just repeating what the others say? Nina thinks it’s a little tight, short, and shiny, just too much, it should be a few inches longer, but the client says no, she likes it short. Heidi laughs and says she has that problem too. MK points out Heidi isn’t wearing a skirt (and it’s true, the way she’s sitting, no skirt is visible) but he loves her anyway.
Bryce: Bottom three – it’s pink. Pinkpinkpink. Sleeveless dress with very low pockets, a sweatshirt band on the hem of the skirt, and some banding across the top and bottom of the bare back. He says the husband stressed the color, so he gave her pink with structured tailoring. His idea of structured tailoring isn’t my idea of structured tailoring. It doesn’t fit. His client thinks it’s great for a wedding she’s going to, she can put her keys and cell phone in the pockets. The husband loves the back and her legs. Nina says it has too many details: pockets, edge on hem, lines on back, belt, she’s swallowed up by all the details, the dress is wearing her. Bryce can see that. Well, then what did you do it that way for?!? Malin loves the pockets and likes the color, but doesn’t like the fit, it’s gaping in the back. Heidi likes the color but that’s it, the pockets are ginormous, does she really want to wear all that stuff on her thighs? MK delivers his promo line about being at the buffet and slipping a lamb chop in one pocket and a beer bottle in the other. I don’t know what kind of buffets MK goes to, but where I come from, people don’t do that, no matter how big their pockets are. Also, the tailoring is off, and the seams are puckered. I don’t think it’s that bad, design-wise; the color annoys me, but I hate pink. And the fit is wonky. But I like the pockets, if they were sewn correctly to lie flat, and the band at the hem. What I don’t like is Bryce’s tie. He’s going for the loosened-tie look, but there’s a glued-on quality to it. Maybe it’s pinned at the knot. About a decade ago, a figure skater portraying Frank Sinatra (I think) had a loosened tie sewn to his shirt. It didn’t work then, it doesn’t work now. Bryce is just not Rat-Pack material. Poor Bryce.
The Little Chat:
Bert: Heidi says she looked great in it. Nina says it’s something different. This doesn’t sound like a bottom tier dress. It wasn’t all that, guys, it was trashy, meh at best. Heidi asks MK, do you think Bert is boring? MK, oh yeah, B for boring. You could go to mall and buy that dress. That’s the kiss of death right there, the dreaded mall. Malin calls it a dress you see on girls at discos. Discos? There are still discos? She’s nowhere near old enough to have been in discos in the 70s. They end with: it was fine. Bert’s on borrowed time here.
Bryce: Heidi says he turned her into such an old lady (I think she mixed up her insults here, this wasn’t the old lady dress; maybe I mixed up my notes, I’ll have to see on repeat), though the color pink saved her. This is interesting, considering Bryce was most worried about the color. Malin thinks it looks like a size 6 woman wearing a size 8 dress. You know, that’s exactly it. MK is glad there’s finally a dress to make a woman’s thighs look bigger. “He made a cocktail dress out of a handiwipe.” Handiwipe? MK’s never seen a handiwipe, has he? You guys need better snark lines. Or better yet, if you don’t have something clever to say, just shut up. It isn’t like you’re required to have a clever put-down for every outfit.
Anthony Ryan: MK goes through the cheerleader-sailor-child uniform routine. One image is sufficient, thank you. Heidi thinks she’s going to an old folks home to visit her grandmother. You know, people do that, Heidi, is that something that’s against the rules in fashionistaland? I’m so tired of all the bullshit insults about malls and visiting grandma and going to church, people who aren’t supermodels do these things, the people who watch your stupid torn-apart-at-the-seams show, the show you ruined, they do these things. Oh, dear, and here I was having so much fun, and now I’m cranky. Bring back Olivier and frighten him with some boobs. That’ll cheer me up.
Josh: Nina praises his editing and the splash of color in shoes; it highlighted her tiny waist and nice back. MK goes on about listening to a client, and pushing them a little, like with the shoes. He pretends those aren’t two opposite things.
Anya: MK says it was the most runway, most capital-F Fashion. Malin thinks the sleeve added the extra little bit. Heidi liked the border all around. MK remembers hearing for years about designers claiming their models were going to gallery openings, and here it is, something that actually would be worn to a gallery opening. I don’t remember that many gallery opening. I remember two, in fact: One by Santino, and one other one, someone was a gallery owner, maybe the recycled paper brioche girl whose PR stint was tragically cut short by a Gumby model? Heidi likes that Anya always has a pov, and brings new and unusual silhouettes. To tell the truth, I was confused when I saw Anya on the runway, because I knew she had immunity so why would they call her out? It never occurred to me she was in the top three.
Victor: MK likes that he did separates, and it’s a nice silhouette. Wait, does no one else think the skirt is way too tight? Nina loves the look. MK says he had an advantage, he had most fashion obsessed couple. Heidi wishes he’d skipped the bag and glasses, though bag was cute and he made it. That’s why he didn’t skip it, Heidi.
This was fun until they started talking about these meh looks as though they’re perfection. Face it, guys, no one with real creative talent wants to be the new Piperlime-Lifetime-MarieClaire Product Placement Project Runway. And you’re stuck with all this dreckitude (oops, sorry, different show…) trying to pretend it’s divine.
Joshua wins. I’m very surprised. I was sure it was Anya – she wouldn’t have been my choice, obviously, since I was sure she was in the bottom, but I imagine a lot of people will be complaining about this decision. Josh is happy he has two wins. He does a handspring behind the screen. I suspect America held its breath hoping he broke his neck. Anya, of course, applauds him enthusiastically. I want to rip her face off. It’s this contrary thing I have, I guess. Back in the lounge, he has Anya feel his heart (he’s been wearing his shirt unbuttoned all day) and grabs her hand and places it on his bare chest. She’s perfectly cooperative. They train those beauty queens to handle anything, you know? He tries to do the same thing with Olivier, and gets shooed away. Olivier’s even afraid of Josh’s boobs.
Heidi reminds Bert to step it up, he’s going too simple. Which is funny since simple just won.
It’s down to Bryce and Anthony Ryan. For a terrible moment I was worried. I mean, they could do that, just to screw with everyone; I believe they are that self-destructive. But Bryce is out. Poor Bryce. But I swear, if it’d been Anthony Ryan, I would’ve thrown something at my TV.
Bryce and his pinned-on loosened tie go home. Tim points out, “You’ve been here for a good long haul,” in a tone that wonders how he did that on so little ability. He’s the Angela of this season. He says he’s going to lock himself in his room and listen to Lady Gaga and sketch until he has a genius collection. Good luck with that. Poor Bryce.
Next week, we have another team challenge, because they’re so much fun. This time it looks like they actually do have to make menswear, for a band. A rock band, not a marching band, which is too bad because Anthony Ryan would have the majorette look already made. Scene to watch for:
Tim: It draws your eye to the crotch.
Joshua: You don’t like that?
I have a feeling those lines are edited to go together. But there’s still the crotchless jeans, reggae Jesus, and Adam Lambert. Does it make me a fag hag if I’m really happy Adam Lambert will be guest judging?