![]](https://sloopie72.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/fns-446x89.png?w=549)
Hello I am Zin and this is finally over!
It is the boring hour they fill with clips designed to show everyone how nasty their friends were behind their backs! People skype in with very boring questions and get even more boring answers! And everyone looks a little bit different. Especially Nikki because she is six months pregnant! The series was filmed earlier than I thought unless she was pregnant at the time.
We find out nobody in the cast thinks Rodney makes any sense either. We find out Danushka (remember Danushka, the “I am a Model!” Bored Chef?) does not know what a dragonfruit is, but it turns out she is a lot funnier when I am not worried she will be around forever! Viet, dressed as a leprechaun, finds a way to work in another reference to beating Bobby Flay in ICA! Alton and Giada do their brother-sister-bickering act! Susie looks overinflated in a blouse borrowed from a Victorian-age kindergartener!
The part that was worth the whole thing though was to find out Chris used to annoy the hell out of Rodney by singing or whistling while standing behind him! A proven way to get rid of Rodney: whistle!
Damaris wins. Everybody hugs.
I tried to watch Cutthroat Kitchen but I remember Frank from when he (seriously) threatened Marcel “I will beat you so bad your own mother will not recognize you” because Marcel moved his shaving kit off the kitchen counter when they had to cook in their apartment kitchen. And I just can not take any more cruelty-for-the-sake-of-cruelty right now. If video games desensitize kids to violence, do not “mean” shows do the same thing for meanness? I love you Alton but I just can not!
Thank you! See you next year!
He takes a metal briefcase loaded with his Seven Culinary Sins (I do not want to know how one puts offal in a briefcase, or ice cream for that matter) to an ice cream shop where they have cabernet sauvignon sorbet. The idea is he finds the guiltiest pleasure on the menu then makes his own guilty pleasure to top it. Does this make sense to anyone? Cabernet sauvignon sorbet sounds pretty good. I think he should say, “Well, you do not need me, bye!” But that is not going to happen, so he makes bourbon ice cream with bacon candy on top. He has a lot of trouble with scripted lines. He finally gets into it and has a good time being who he is, at least that is what he says. Sometimes he is very good on camera though like when he does little asides. Guy says he is very comfortable in the kitchen. That may be but it is a stupid concept and he can not talk. 
talk over it! Either way you are still talking with your mouth full on national television! Is that ok now? Or is it just ok on Food Network where money > manners? Maybe this is why I find these guys so repugnant. And that is Pie Style: Talk with a mouthful of grilled cheese, and say “pie” every four seconds whether it makes sense or not. I am beginning to hate pie! Rodney: “The Pie Man don’t take no princess bites. I take prince bites, ’cause I’m the Prince of pie.” Sort of like the Sandwich King… I suddenly get the sinking feeling they want Rodney to win. 
cook to win her heart” (I am not sure that is the point). And by the way: SHE STOLE THAT! Andres was going to teach guys to cook! Back in 
She films her intro about southern food as the food of love and Guy is so excited he runs over yelling “Money, Money, Money!” while high-fiving her hand hard enough to break it. “Medic!” she cries. Some actor named Josh comes in and pretends to need help seducing his foodie girlfriend. Damaris suggests peppererd pork loin and a sweet potato biscuit with apple butter mustard. What does that have to do with Josh or anything at all? Nothing, but who cares. She keeps forgetting to look at the camera and Guy keeps teaching her how to turn from Josh to camera to explain things because she can never forget that Josh is just a prop for her act! She does look gorgeous I have to say! And she is very comfortable on camera. She slips in a couple of sly puns like “use a cup” and some “adorable” Rachel-esque catch phrases like “you do not want humpy biscuits” and I think the hole in their Hypersexual Southern Queen department has been filled! 
because she burns the croutons! She was deep-frying them and either the oil was too hot or she forgot to take them out so they are burned to cinders! Alton holds one up with tongs and mugs to the camera, “Do not do this at home!” Now she has only two minutes so she ends up going Chopped style after all and sprinkling cereal on salad! She is nervous about her presentation because she had a good speech about the croutons but this is a crappy dish and she is not sure what to say. She talks about using the little bit of cereal at the end of the bag which sounds like a terrific thing to say! She says the acidic dressing is good to balance out the sweetness and that sounds good too! Alton tells her she did not say where the sweetness was coming from. The cereal right? He is really reaching for a reason to criticize her! He liked her salad a lot. It was a salad. 
“Oh…” she says. Next to the guy who sassed Bobby Flay it is my favorite FNS moment ever! You can find it at about 
thought it had orzo in it but I guess that is just the Rice-a-Roni version! Hey do not laugh I love Rice-a-Roni! Nikki interviews “There are plenty of people out there who do not know what makes a pilaf” but the problem is, as a Food Network Star she is supposed to teach them! Apparently there are some diners who know exactly what a pilaf is either that or producers told them to say “This is a plate of rice.” I strongly suspect the latter. Apparently it is Dump Nikki day and they will do what they must to do it. Backstage she asks Damaris the teacher (I keep forgetting Damaris teaches at a culinary school) what a pilaf is and Damaris tells her the rice is sautéed before which is pretty much the jist but she should have asked before cooking not after. At judging they really let her have it. Alton thinks her body language looks like she is apologizing (he says while scolding her for not knowing the definition of pilaf… can Rodney define a pilaf?). 
Damaris made a dish they could get anywhere. It lacked her Southern mark (wait… Russell deliberately made a dish that lacked his Sin mark and he won! I love the inconsistency as they trip all over themselves figuring out how to explain the decisions that were actually made a long time ago). Her presentation is memorable; she is comfortable; now she has to turn up the volume. You are perfect now change! This was filmed before Paula Deen self-destructed and anyway you can never have too many Paula Deens in your lineup (has anyone asked Damaris if she has ever used the n-word or planned a plantation wedding complete with well-dressed slaves? Maybe that should become part of the casting process for Southern chefs to avoid potential problems down the road because Damaris can not use age as an excuse) so Damaris is Safe!
cheesecake. I do not think that would be a bad thing actually since it already has bacon. But nobody mentions it so I guess it is not a problem. She starts plating and the cheesecake filling sloshes and oozes right over the crust. Wait! I have never had liquid cheesecake! It is supposed to be a little bit jiggly in the middle when it comes out of the oven but not sloshing like that! She is going to be late so she asks for help and Nikki comes right over to help her plate which is very nice of Nikki. Only on competitive reality TV is ordinary human interaction considered “very nice.” She tells a story about her vintage kitchen and takes a while to get to the food part. The 
other contestants watch from a monitor in the lounge and afterwards she thinks she is getting the cold shoulder. She might be right! In spite of her lack of 
of their lives and going wild for wild. She tells them “On the Food Network I am the veggie expert” so they know she is an Authority! Damaris and Stacey are jealous watching backstage because she is so good! Everyone likes her dish and Bobby is happy that the mushrooms have an impact. At judging Alton tells her she nailed it: she is no longer apologizing for her food, she is presenting proactively, and the dish was exceptional. She only got $130 in the bid but it was the best presentation and they liked the dish so she wins! Wait I thought Stacey won? Oh Stacey won the Bid so she is safe but Nikki won the challenge on merit so she is safe too. Oh. I love this show!
other eyes of the other contestants so she figures she did ok. And she did! Even I thought she did very well! She hit that middle ground between drunk and boring. She tied with Nikki for the lowest bid of $130… uh oh… but Bobby says she sold it well with the hot tub line and green bean casserole is not a natural sell. No it is not! Everyone thinks Thanksgiving and mushroom soup! But they liked her dish and her presentation was very good so she is Safe.
thing about the astronauts with a pretend phone call from Bobby. There is puzzlement in the audience. There is puzzlement from the judges. Then he talks pie. It will make the electrodes in your mouth shoot back to your ear holes. But I do not want any electrodes in my mouth! Stay out of my ear holes!! Is this pie going to electrocute me? I am afraid! The other contestants in the lounge make fun of him while he is presenting but Stacey interviews “he is so loveable you just like it” because they told her to say that. Do not listen to her! He is not loveable! Vic was not loveable either! Nor was the Cuban fitness guy! I am sure they are very nice people but they do not come across as loveable! Someone who shoots electrodes out your ear holes is many things but not loveable! They always pick someone to call “loveable” just to see if they can convince people! Resist! The thing is I like people who refuse to play along and who go their own way 
but foolish is not talented and his own way is not fun or informative! His pie gets $140, though, a higher bid than green beans or pasta. Everyone loves the pie! The pie was their favorite dish! Ted Allen said it on 
unless we can trace our ancestors back to Quebec! Only there can they mess with 
King!” He looks threatening! He knows he did not do well and he is worried. But Russell says the Poutine Movement is on! The Gastronaut likes the smokey cheese but the potatoes are soggy (Chad knew his oil was not hot enough) and not exciting. Giada thinks it lacks flavor. He made a dish with smoked tenderloin and kielbasa and cheese and fries and it lacked flavor? Still he gets $150 in bids which is more than Nikki or Damaris. Giada asks him, “Why a poutine?” and he goes into a truly relaxed and comfortable explanation about “loaded fries and brisket” that he serves at his restaurant and how he could not make that in an hour so he made poutine. “You did not give us any of that chat!” says Giada. And Chat is what this is all about. His manner was so much better too. The official verdict is that his dish is not good and his presentation is awful. I can testify to the second half. Despite the bid he is up for elimination.
Sin…. Bacon… Booze…Horseradish. Ok that last one is new but you get the idea. The Gastronaut likes the pork belly and horseradish ice cream together. Bobby does not like the texture of the pureed bread. I do not even like typing “pureed bread.” Giada thinks it is too deconstructed but for Giada I think “dressing on the side” is as deconstructed as she gets. Alton thinks it is conceptualized to the point where it is hard to eat. The Gastronaut again says the ice cream is wonderful. Alton tells him he needs to pick a POV: sin or revolution, and some thinks worked like the ice cream but the bread sauce killed the dish. He tied with Chad at $150 and at doing a bad dish and a bad presentation so he is up for elimination.
plate. She adds bacon because everything is better with bacon (see, she was listening to Ted Allen) and gives us a Chef Lovely Tip (which only 61,300 Googled websites know about): use the bacon fat in the honey Dijon vinaigrette. Then she makes goat cheese fritters but they fall apart. She tells Robert about her unique hip POV which seems to be party food and how her passion comes across effortlessly. Robert notices something went wrong with the fritter and Lovely tries to sell it on flavor but he is not buying it: “You said you were going to create a mind-blowing experience. This is not it.” 
a side of celery heart, artichoke heart, and heart of palm cole slaw. Robert thinks the concept is interesting but the pepper is unevenly cooked and while the sauce has good flavor there is not enough. Chad basically has the constant problem that it is not possible to produce barbecue in the kind of time limits this show imposes and probably not in the amount of time FN is willing to entrust to a novice Star. 
when something is not working: She adds sugar! She also makes butterscotch but because she waited too long to add the cream it is too soupy so she melts more sugar to fix it. Maybe she can get the concession on diabetes medicine now! Bobby loves the story about her family (Stacey has this “family story” thing down, yes?) but Alton makes a face and Giada wants some water! The cookies are not good! Her Cayenne Butterscotch is better and Alton foresees a whole line of sauces! It is not a product unless it can be a mass market Empire! That is the FN way! Stacey meets with a graphic designer (“packaging represents brand promise” – you can not tell me she has not been coached) to come up with a 50s style Vintage Kitchen label for her Hot Mamma Butterscotch. She memorizes her script and gets lost when she misses a word! She gets giggly! But they wanted her to be less perfect so there it is! The corporations like the unexpected but delicious kick! They ask her why she would be the one, and she talks about the lineage of women in the kitchen since she learned to cook from her grandma and mom making her vintage but being a working mom she is modern. The corporations find her pitch polished but a little boring! See that is how Food Network Star is selling her to us! Even when she does a mediocre presentation she is polished but boring! Bobby criticizes the rehearsed quality (which is very accurate) and tells her to be more spontaneous. The judges like the product, they like the packaging, and she demonstrated her Vintage point of view but they want “more you.” But of course she is in the Top Three anyway! Except for her uncooked Pot Pie she has been in the top every week! 
time his revolution has made sense! They are laughing when he talks about the five sins in his Bacon Candy! “Come with me and Sin!” Everyone is happy! One of the Box people says it flies in the face of everything that is happening in Wellness (that is what a revolution is!) but so what, she owns lots of Big Pharm stock. They find him authentic and endearing (I am getting Puck from Glee these days) and his product is good but it does not come off as candy! Because when you say Candy to a Mass Market Box person it had better be chocolate or bright red or green sugar! On Top Chef they cook with 
spicy but Bobby thinks that is who she is so she goes with the jam. She uses a raffia tie which makes sense. In her presentation she concentrates on channeling Stacey! She talks about the South being the best-kept culinary secret in the country. Since when is the South a culinary secret? She runs out of time! The Box People like the ginger in the jam and the labeling is exceptional! I do not know about that, I like idea but the colors do not have enough value contrast but now that I have seen all the products I realize they only had pink and grey ink to work with! Nobody explains what “BPG” means. They say she has a “reserved charm” and Alton thinks that is hilarious! Bobby is disappointed because they want her true personality. I love Food Network Star. She has given them her true personality week after week and they have told her to tone it down but now she tones it down and they want it back! Do they think we are idiots? Do they think we forget from week to week? Alton tells her she would have won if she had been less restrained because her product and packaging were great! Maybe she should have drunk the whiskey instead of putting it in the vinaigrette! 
sticks with the “little bit good” jarred not canned baked beans. He tells the designer he wants a see-through jar so they can see the green peppers and onions and three types of beans! He calls them Big Boy’s Barbecue Beans. His presentation is good except they do not understand what makes them “Big Boy” and he explains it is more grown up than regular canned beans so it is the Big Boy version. The execs (all women) do not look convinced about the name (I think it is downright obscene) but they want to do Chad anyway. No, they are just “ready to taste.” The beans. They say it sounds appealing but if it is in a clear glass jar it had better look good and this looks more like sloppy joe mix. Bobby thinks it is too sweet. Bobby does not like the competition for Hot Grill Guy! 
he pitches. Rodney says, “Screw that, I have ideas in my back pocket.” Just because you have ideas, that does not make them good ideas! The pie kit is in fact a good idea (I do not know if Rodney understands the 
y ugly (it was brown so she tried to make it green which meant it was that lovely green/brown mothers of infants know so well) so she goes with the other. Even she does not like her product! The Box people ask her where it would be merchandized which seems like an odd question! In my supermarket there is an entire aisle for condiments and sauces. She guesses with tomato sauce. They think it is too chunky for a sauce. Giada liked her energy but they did not know what they were getting because saying “roasted pepper and tomatillo sauce” is not good enough and no one told her to make it a salsa (or a dip which is what I guessed she would make last week)! She still Lacks Authority because she does not have a supermarket layout in her head and, well, that is how they are selling her to us. I still think her POV is the best in the competition and whatever they do with her on this show I bet FN will have a Meat on the Side program within the next year!
have been yelling at him for being loud he shuts down completely! It is bizarre! He sounds like he is a bad actor reading for a cheap infomercial. The worst mistake though is that he says a percent of profits goes to charity which no no NO that is not what anyone wants to hear! They do not feel a connection with the pitch and what do you know, it turns out he left out the part about childhood in a jar and his uncle having an orchard and the biggest applewood smoker in Ohio. Bad move! He left out the good stuff! This is what they do to people! They tell them to be who they are, then tell them that is not good enough, then tell them they are not genuine! He has many problems but what they probably see most is a lack of a culinary point of view that can be conveyed in a title so they will twist him inside out until he fails while trying to please them. 
Damaris is worried because she has never been live before. She is distracted by dishes falling off the shelf. She thinks it is pollster-guys. When she finishes she throws her arms up in the air to celebrate! Giada says she did good and the polter-guise comment was adorable.
happened to the peppers” over and over again! He finally snaps out of it after about a minute and a half! As soon as the segment cuts he says, “What happened to the peppers?” Giada tells him it is all in the comeback. That is profound advice from someone who when she started took 
Russell tries to explain the spaghetti western to Nikki: “It’s…modern…a little obtuse, a little off-center…. like that Fellini nature.” Later someone fills him in and he explains it is a group of Westerns shot in Italy with Clint Eastwood which is much closer. Flavorwire has a more 
Damaris is not happy to do romance because she has been ordered to stop being so sexy! Chad tries to get them to do something light and funny but they said no because no one else ever heard of the Romantic Comedy. They come up with something like The Dating Game. Damaris holds very still (“No shimmy”) like she is frozen in place but she is the shrimp and grits girl all cozy and cuddling by the fire: “When you bite into my shrimp I burst with spice.” Ok… Chad tries to woo her to pick his chicken wings by saying “sexy, spicy, sticky” and “hard on the outside and juicy on the inside.” I think they are confusing the Romance movie with porn! Viet is just there. Using the word “macerated” does not count as romance. 
Right off the bat Lovely is not happy because she does not like Chris! He is loud and talks a lot! He knows she does not like him but that is ok he will just kill her with kindness! Lovely also realizes they have not liked any of her food. Chris figures there is no way to put a musical on the plate so they will do a song and dance and sparkle! Later he bullshits it with “musicals have lots of different things and lots of notes so we have lots of flavors.” It basically means “We had no idea what to do but we have Rodney who is a professional musician so we should do really well!” But they do not! They make up a song and sing about their food. The big surprise is Rodney who shows the world he is not much of a musician! He can barely play guitar and can definitely not sing! I like some pretty offbeat voices (like 
Rodney is the first to cut himself! He makes a burger pie by putting onions, mushrooms, gruyere and a bison patty on top of a pie crust and he says something about Motley Crue that I did not quite get. He talks very fast! He is rolling pie dough and ends with “You’re freakin’ pie style jack” and Bobby loves the energy but he needs to calm down! They do not like the burger Bobby says the crust is like a tortilla and he does not have to make a pie every time. He could have made a hamburger pie there are such things, Alton had a meat pie show on Good Eats, but I do not think Rodney is that good a cook to make something like that up on the fly. He only got 7 tokens but they love him so he is Safe! 
Danushka is a little bit full of herself and has shown no reason to be that I can see. She thinks burgers are boring too so she tells Bobby she will take her shirt off and hope they like what they see and come to her station. Bobby tells her to forget the fashion model and get them to see her as an authority figure. She does the “watching you” finger thing with Bobby which makes no sense. She makes a bison slider with corn salad but her presentation is all in the red zone. “I love game meat!” she shouts and everyone laughs! She says she was herself 100% and that is who she is take it or leave it and I know which I will do! Alton says he can not look away but it hurts when he looks! There it is! That is pretty good. FNS a new train wreck every week! Come on that is why we are all watching yes? Her burger is ok but she only gets 2 tokens and did worst with the focus group. 
Nikki does her own online cooking segments so she has no problem with the camera! Giada and Bobby love her Semi-vegetarian concept! She cuts herself twice making her potato cauliflower and parsnip soup but that is what plastic gloves are for! Susie loves her food but worries that she is a little bit cutesy and it hurts her credibility. Her name is Nikki Dinki how can she be anything but cutesy? Bobby loves the soup it is inventive and has great flavor. She is in the Top Three! 
being charming really! (He also can not count! He says he has seven siblings and he beat the Brady Bunch by two but the Brady Bunch had six kids) He lost 150 pounds so he became a childhood obesity prevention coach. Is that a real job? His whole life revolves around food! That does not sound like eating pathology at all! He is from a Cuban family. Hey he is Herb 2! He is cute in a young way and he has a lot of energy.
is (I do not either!) but sometimes she is called one. Maybe we will find out what a hipster is! She was on Restaurant: Impossible which, wait, does that not mean she was not a very good restaurant owner? She owned it with her father so maybe he was the bad owner and she was just the… bad chef? I do not know! Robert Irvine creeps me out so I do not watch him unless I have to and how often do you really have to watch a tv chef? She was a dancer before she and her father started a restaurant. Cooking is in her blood from her great-grandfather-chef. She does Sunday Pancake Dance Party! She has FN written all over her! It does not matter if she can cook they will teach her!
is too good to miss! She swears a lot! She seems to think she is very dynamic and a leader but she seems like a whiney bored teenager to me. A lot of the 
what “subculture” dining is but he seems very proud of it. He has a tragic childhood story too! He lost ICA Battle Rhubarb to Jose Garces. It was the best night of a very bad year. When losing is the best night yes that is a bad year! He has a very comfortable camera manner but I think Susie is definitely going to tell him he is too scary! He aims for scary on purpose! But if an underground supper club and a Mohawk are the scariest things he has I do not think he is scary at all.
She has diamonds on her knives and serves edible diamonds and diamonds on the soles of her shoes – oh no that is Paul Simon – she puts rose petals on the plate! I would complain if I had flowers on my plate so I guess I am not glam. I do not know if she can cook but she has Brand written all over her! She even has an acronym: CLT, the Chef Lovely Tip! She has a strong presence. I think Susie is going to tell her she is too strong.
Throwdown. He is a little old for a rock star. He used to sell pies on his rock and roll tours and now has pie shops. On Chopped he was on the Halloween episode and made chicken feet (!) that tasted like pie so he was chopped first! I think if you make chicken feet that taste like pie you should get a prize! He knows who Charles Bukowski is so that means something but he is too determined to prove he is still cool. 
Sanction confused me for decades! Sanctions on countries we get angry at but some sports like skating sanction certain events meaning they are acceptable! The Eiger sanction was a punishment but the President will not sanction use of military force! What is going on here? It is so confusing and I think I was in my 30s before I realized it means both things and you just have to figure out which is meant. Typically the noun version means a punishment, and the verb form means an approval, which could be a way of getting around contranym status since it changes parts of speech but I found out there are verb forms for both. 
They had a special challenge because they were in the middle of the floor with nothing but a bench and people were lined up against both walls and the ends, so it was like they were in the middle of a rectangle of audience! They had to keep moving around so everyone had a chance to hear and see them up close and all of this was improvised which I think is pretty impressive when they are also performing Shakespeare! 
I took a video recording of the 
History lesson: The Sing-Off started as a surprise! I did not even know about it until the night it started four years ago during the week before Christmas! Since most of the groups were from colleges (that is where the a capella is) it was filmed over the summer but most of the competition was aired in December with a finale just before Christmas and it was so wonderful, so special, like a little Christmas present during a time of year when no one is watching television! 
A Just Recompense 