Top Chef Masters – Season 3, Episode 5: “Would You Like Fries With That?”

We go from healthy to cheap. And fast.

The Quickfire:

The challenge: make a $1.00 appetizer. The ingredients are all priced: an onion is 48 cents, asparagus is 20 cents per spear, etc. What’s really surprising is how well they do – and the jokes about how this might affect the bottom line at their restaurants, since potential customers are watching and might want to have the $1.00 carrot soup rather than the $15.00 version.

The judges are Brendan Newnam and Rico Gagliano from Dinner Party Download, the APM podcast. The chefs have 20 minutes to complete their dishes. It’s kind of funny, watching them take individual spears of asparagus and shrimp instead of tubs of stuff. As an aside, they did the usual two plates (one for tasting and one beauty plate) so I suppose they actually could spend $2.00, but that’s neither here nor there, as volume discounts weren’t involved. There’s some talk about customers coming into the chef’s restaurants and asking for the dollar menu. In fact, there’s a lot of talk like that. And I’m wondering, why not, if they can make these dishes for $1, why should they be adding other things and charging $12-plus for them?

Naomi, in the spirit of things, takes one cherry tomato and two spears of asparagus which she shaves very thinly to make bread and asparagus salad with lemon vinaigrette. She interviews that planning menus at her restaurant is a relaxing experience, but here it’s insane. The guys find the buttery nature of bread goes very well with the lemon, and she’s the winner. She gets $5,000 for Seed Savers Exchange.

Celina gets carrots, chicken stock, a couple of shrimp, and a lime and makes spiced carrot soup with lime-pickled shrimp. This sounds like something I could make, and something I’d like. That doesn’t happen often on Top Chef Masters. The judges love it, find it has a nice spice and a surprising amount of flavor. Curtis asks how much they’d pay for the soup, and Brendan (or Rico, I’m not really sure) says a restaurant might get $15 or $20 for it, and it makes you rejudge the value of restaurant dishes, which might undermine some careers. The chefs, in another room watching on TV, look somber. Celina is in the top three.

Alex takes squid, four almonds, a cherry tomato and a carrot, and makes spiced squid. The judges like the textures and the flavors; Curtis calls it a skillful dish. Alex makes the top three.

Floyd decides he can’t afford a 48-cent onion, so takes couscous, tomato, and asparagus. I wonder if there were shallots available. I use shallots, because not only are they gentler in taste than onions (I hate onions but in stews and most meat dishes, some kind of onion flavor is necessary) but they are actually cheaper if you are using tiny amounts – I make a huge pot of my mock tajine with one 15-cent shallot. Floyd says he’s used to frugality since he came here from India with $100, and couldn’t get a job, and was about to go back when he got a job with one day to spare. He makes a fricassee with asparagus and tomatoes over couscous. It’s nicely spiced, very warming.

Hugh says you can’t afford to screw up any ingredients, then promptly messes up an egg and says, “Oh, no, that’s 18 cents.” Welcome to how most of us do it. Then he hollers, “Were gonna sing the bacon song.” It isn’t anywhere near as good as the Beef Tongue Song from Top Chef All-Stars, but it’s only a Quickfire. He makes a Lyonnaise salad with radicchio and a poached egg. In the off-set room, he claims he ate twenty-five dollars of food when no one was looking. One of the judges says something about the fanciest dollar store, and what is wrong with our fast food culture when you can turn out something like this for a dollar in twenty minutes (I’ll tell you: can you imagine waiting twenty minutes for a Big Mac?). Hugh says, wow, great concept. Sorry, Hugh, you’re too late for The Next Great American Restaurant. Maybe next time.

Traci makes a chicken paillard with asparagus, lemon and brown butter. The judges like it, the chicken is nicely cooked.

Mary Sue makes a BLT salad with frisee, arugula, and bacon with a roll for croutons and a celery seed vinaigrette. She doesn’t taste the bacon since she just barely has enough for the dish. The dish turns out much too salty when she adds celery salt. Someone says something about the bacon being extremely salty, which seems like a little ego soothing to me. I mean, come on, bacon is salty, that’s what bacon is. She’s in the bottom.

George makes grilled calamari salad with almonds. The judges think it’s beautifully plated but too small, too bland, and not really super awesome like calamari should be. He’s in the bottom. But he doesn’t care since he’s never going to do a dollar appetizer. That seems like a rather killjoy attitude. I don’t think George is feelin’ the love.

Elimination Challenge:

Curtis tells them they’re taking a road trip to where they’ll each feed about a hundred people one main dish and one side; the diners will have no utensils. Other than that, they don’t know much, if it’s a cocktail party or, as someone says, an amusement park, and they don’t know the kitchen conditions. Hugh says it scares the poop out of him, which is in that unpleasant area between too cutesy and TMI. I think Hugh is trying too hard. They get $300 for ingredients.

Hugh thinks of making a slaw but it isn’t the sort of thing you can eat with your hands…unless it’s done in private. I’m not sure I’d eat slaw with my hands even in private. Maybe if a little piece fell off a sandwich. Or am I naïve and is there a website somewhere dedicated to the erotic art of coleslaw sex? Alex thinks at the worst he can make ceviche and tortilla chips. Traci’s thinking burrito. George buys a huge pork loin and clams, though it’s risky; he’s thinking maybe skewers. They end up at Farmer Boys which I guess is a fast food restaurant. Curtis plugs them: they make everything fresh to order. I guess he got sick of Chipotle. Floyd just hopes there are sauté pans so he can cook his chicken. Mary Sue just hopes for water; she’s been on the bottom three times, so her expectations are particularly low. Alex wonders why he got salmon. Celina is concerned because the dish she has in mind is more conducive to eating at table as opposed to with one hand on the sandwich and one on the wheel. That scares me. If you’re not supposed to use your phone or text while driving, why is eating a sandwich ok? Yes, I know everyone does it, not to mention drinking coffee and putting on lipstick and all manner of unsafe things, but that doesn’t make it right, and certainly doesn’t make it something a chef should publicly take into consideration when designing a fast food meal.

They will do two shifts, with four chefs cooking and four handling front of house and the drive-thru on each shift. Mary Sue has cooked in fast food. Floyd knows Indian street food from Bombay, which isn’t the same thing, really, now is it. Celina worked at Bennigans, begging her way up to pantry girl. But most of them are pretty clueless.

Now, I have to admit, I’m clueless as well. But I’m clueless about all restaurants. I’ve seen so many of these shows – all the TCs, Kitchen Nightmares, pretty much all of them, and I still don’t understand how they go from all those little tickets fluttering on the steel shelves to actually getting one person’s roast chicken and peas with mash and another’s chicken with fries and slaw and another burger medium rare with no tomato all together at the same time for delivery to the same table. But I would think these guys, who all run very busy restaurants, would be able to figure out a system.

Hugh wonders if it’s still called service in fast food. George insists he’s taking fast food to a different level by sticking to his original dish, since utensils aren’t needed. Alex figures out he won’t have time to make lettuce cups and changes to tacos.

For the first shift, Naomi, Floyd, George and Traci will be doing service while the others cook. Traci notes that Naomi will do the drive-thru since she’s so bubbly and entertaining. Traci’s deadly serious expression when she says this made me laugh – most of the searches I get on Naomi include the words “annoying” and/or “bitch” though I think she’s just confident and more take-charge than anyone else in the cast; to me she doesn’t seem particularly mean or condescending, though she sometimes has tunnel-vision – but Traci almost never smiles so she might just be giving the information straight. George doesn’t do so well at expediting; he doesn’t indicate if an order is eat in or to go, or if sides are included. Alex is annoyed. George doesn’t seem happy: “we’re some of the best chefs in the nation, and we’re working in fast food, putting on headsets, wrapping things up.” Hugh says it’s like being an architect who designs tall buildings, but can’t put together a house of leggos. Naomi takes her headset off to serve in-house just as Curtis and Alan drive up to window. So everyone’s a little discombobulated.

For the first shift:

Hugh makes Banh Mi with pork and liver pate and pickled veggies, plus a side of watermelon feta salad. That sounds suspiciously like Sam’s watermelon gnocchi from TC2, though Sam used blue cheese and kind of creamed it all up. The critics like the sandwich, especially the pickled veg, but the watermelon salad not so much. They aren’t actively repulsed by it, though. So I guess it’s not like Sam’s at all.

Mary Sue makes a skirt steak quesadilla diablo with Quinoa fritters and a sweet pepper and garlic mayo romesco. The quesadilla is good, the steak is tender. Danyelle says the fritters are like healthy hush puppies (at which point Curtis tells her, “you’re a healthy hush puppy” and my stomach turns).

Alex presents a salmon fish taco with fennel slaw, walnuts and grapes. Danyelle says it’s really a burrito, Alan says it isn’t a taco, James says it’s a kid’s portion, and Curtis says salmon is least favorite taco fish. I guess that’s a fail.

Celina makes a pork, lamb and garbanzo wrap with a side of cauliflower. Curtis calls it an “unwrap” and Danyelle notes it’s a pancake with stuff on it. The seasoning is bland. The cauliflower doesn’t really have anything to do with the unwrap. Another fail.

Then James gets all sympathetic and issues ego salve so future TCM contestants won’t be unwilling to sign up: they’re all great chefs, but they’re out of their element. Yeah, and you didn’t tell them they’d be making fast food when you sent them to the supermarket.

Curtis continues to flirt with Danyelle: normally dates are over after the meal but now they go inside, she says she’s doing ok on their date. Guys, next time, leave this on the cutting room floor, it’s really nauseating. But James and Alan are doing some flirting, too: Alan says, looking over his giant cup of soda, “When I was interning for you did you ever think we’d end up here?” I find their flirting a lot more palatable.

Shift two: Naomi, George, Floyd and Traci cook. Mary Sue is at the drive through, Hugh is at the cash register taking orders, Alex is running orders, and Celina is expediting. Alex isn’t happy with Hugh’s continuous comedy routine, and Hugh isn’t happy with Celina’s expediting. This time James and Alan do the drive-thru and Curtis and Danyelle go inside. The service is much slower.

George makes pork loin, chorizo, clams, cucumber and olives. I’m confused, something – the pork and chorizo? – is on a skewer, but I don’t know where the clams are. James says George is a brilliant chef but it’s the ugliest food he’s ever seen. And he doesn’t know what it is, satay? Brochette? It’s just gobs of food in a Styrofoam box. Curtis thinks he should’ve adapted the dish.

Traci makes a chicken chili verde burrito. Curtis likes the flavor. Danyelle likes that it’s what a burrito should be. James says it has all the hallmarks of really good fast food, and Alan says he can picture eating this while driving, which makes me nervous again. Of course, everything about driving makes me nervous which is why I gave up driving ten years ago.

Floyd makes a chicken frankie wrap with cucumber. James likes the wrap, as opposed to Celina’s unwrap. I’m not that sure what a chicken frankie is, but it sounds kind of exciting. [addendum: I’ve been researching, and it seems a frankie is Indian street food consisting of naan or roti rolled around some kind of stuffing. It’s actually a trademarked term after a cricket player Frank Worrell. Not so exciting after all.]

Naomi presents a rib eye sandwich. Curtis says there’s nothing wrong with it but it’s not great. There’s a Caesar salad as a side, which is odd finger food. Danyelle tells Curtis “even you don’t look sexy eating your salad like that.” I’m not going to be able to watch this much longer if they keep this up. As a side note, there’s a wonderful scene in The Bell Jar where the magazine editor recounts a luncheon with a famous poet who ate his salad, dripping with dressing, with his fingers, so everyone else had to eat it that way, too. It’s the sort of having-to-drink-the-fingerbowl-water story every etiquette book contains. I sometimes eat salad (very lightly dressed) with my fingers when I’m home but that’s because… well, never mind, it doesn’t matter. I suppose this conflicts with my earlier comments about eating slaw by hand, but slaw is really dripping with stuff, whereas salad can be pretty dry, right? No matter, I wouldn’t eat any salad in public with my fingers. It’s a no. Bad Naomi.

The Traditional Interstitial at the 40 Minute Mark is the worst interstitial ever. It’s something about Floyd not being able to figure out orders and not understanding grape soda or finding ice. What? Come on, surely there was something more interesting than that going on. This was the time for the Bennigan’s anecdote.

Critic’s Table

Curtis asks for Alex, George, and Celina. Traci thinks those were the ones that didn’t work, and worries that she might have misperceived. But no, they are the least successful.

Celina: Danyelle says it wasn’t a wrap, it was a mess waiting to happen; Alan thought the garbanzo was good thought but underseasonsed. Celina tries to defend it as “light” – she didn’t want it to be heavy or oversalted – but she’s a week late with that one. James says the cauliflower was good but he wasn’t sure of relationship with the unwrap.
George: Curtis says he snubbed his nose at fast food and made what he wanted to make. George says no, it was skewered and eaten by hand so it was fast food.
Alex: James says the fish taco was ok, but the side wasn’t good. Danyelle thought the burrito was practical but too sweet.

They go back to the stew room and send in Mary Sue, Traci and Floyd but don’t say they’re in the bottom. Traci interviews she knew from their faces. After all, winners usually come back happy and smiling.

Mary Sue, Traci, and Floyd are the top three. The critics tell them they’re lucky not to be judged on service, because their dishes were great.

.Floyd: James thinks the frankie wrap was genius, loved the chicken, it was moist and well seasoned. Alan says cool texture was great with central warm filling of the frankie.
Traci: Curtis says the burrito was great; Alan says it was perfect.
Mary Sue: Curtis asks her if she had an advantage because her restaurant has a food truck. She p0oints out that they didn’t know where they would be cooking, and if they’d ended up at the beach, she wouldn’t have had a fryer and she’d have been lost. Danyelle says the fritters were great. Alan says quinoa is an ingredient you don’t see in fast food but turning it into a fritter made it totally fast food.

The winner is Mary Sue. She wins $10,000 for Share Our Strength No Kid Hungry. She says she’s going to put the fritter on their food truck menu.

They go back to stew and she hugs Celina and says, “I hate that you guys have to wait for this crappy part.” And since she’s been in the bottom three times, she knows about waiting for the crappy part.

The judges debate the bottom three, Alex, Celina, and George. Alex’s salmon taco wasn’t good; too many ingredients, and he struggles to adapt. Celina’s wrap was a pancake and should’ve been served with maple syrup. With George, even he didn’t know what was the main dish and what was the side. And there was no sauce.

George is out. I sense a hint of holding back tears when he says goodbye, in spite of the feeling that he was ready to go. Traci tells him, “At least you go out doing something you’re never going to do.”

Next time, in another miracle of cross-promotion, they cook for Maroon 5, because Adam Levine isn’t getting enough exposure on The Voice.